Category Archives: MISCELLANEOUS

KiwiSaver Riot Scandal!


Okay it’s not a riot exactly, but KiwiSaver is a world exclusive, blockbuster work-based savings initiative to help you inflate your life-long love-nest cash-pile! You can use this for cheeky retirement antics involving drug-fueled romps, or to simply maintain the international playgirl lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to.

It’s eye-poppingly hassle free, so it’s a breeze to keep your dirty lucre stash from making a shock verdict death plunge.

There are a range of insider membership perks to encourage you to get saving.

They include a $1,000 kick-start, regular contributions from your employer and an annual member tax credit paid by the Government. Some people may also be eligible for help with the deposit on their first Crib.  You totes should join Kiwisaver if you can, cos you get free money.

A reliable source says KiwiSaver schemes are managed by hunky private sector companies called KiwiSaver providers. You can choose which heart-throb KiwiSaver provider to invest your pingers with.

The grand fromages in Government don’t ultimately have your back, so you can’t give them a tongue lashing if shit gets real.  A dawg’s got to swing by her own tail in this life which means you need to hold your own internal crisis talks, and make your own investment choices in a Kiwisaver at your own risk.

How you put it on the table

For many Playahs, KiwiSaver will be work-based. This means you’ll get the low-down straight from a spywitness about KiwiSaver (ie your employer), and your KiwiSaver contributions will come straight out of your paypacket.

If you choose to join, contributions are deducted automatic styles from your pay at the rate of either 3%, 4% or 8% (you choose which rate dawg) and invested for you in a KiwiSaver scheme.

If you’re self-employed or not working for dough right now but looking at options, you agree with your KiwiSaver provider how much you want to contribute, and make payments directly to them.

When you can get your dues yo?

Your KiwiSaver savings will pretty much be locked in a vault guarded by trained griffins until:

  • you’re eligible for NZ Super (currently silver fox 65), or
  • you’ve been a member for at least 5 years (if you joined over the age of 60).

You may be able to make an early withdrawal of part (or all) of your Kiwisaver sex scandal cash probe stash if you’re:

  • buying your first sweet Crib
  • dying your hair, and busting out of the this hell hole of a country to make a new life in Frisco
  • Having a terror purge crisis talks about the lack of money in your life.
  • Revealing heartbreak over being seriously ill and needing a mercy dash

What will the jackpot look like when you’re ready for a retirement romp?

NZ Super provides for bread and butter living in retirement, but it may not be enough for the kind of rockstar retirement you want.

Kiwisaver and Superannuation are the salt and pepper for real.

Having a KiwiSaver account doesn’t affect your eligibility for NZ Super or reduce the amount of NZ Super you would be eligible for.

KiwiSaver savings will add some spice to your NZ Super Mash to provide you with a better standard of living for your retirement.

To find out how much you’re likely to need in retirement, visit the Sorted website or seek advice from your fave financial advisor.

Or go to the horses mouth.



NOTE: Kiwisaver is also useful if you plan to retire earlier than 65. Just set it up for the minimum amount required to take advantage of the free government money and employer contributions, then pour the rest of your cash into other, more flexible investment vehicles.